HTH and I have made a parenting decision that will, by the end of the week, be the subject of much discussion. We have a fairly simple philosophy for parenting. The goal is for D2 to be a fully functioning adult by the time he turns 18. To serve this, there are 4 things that he can’t do prior to that point: get addicted, get arrested, get anyone pregnant, or commit suicide. Anything that could lead to any of those events is non-negotiable. Everything else is up for discussion.
In this case, D2came to us with a proposal that has nothing to do with any of the above. It is purely a fashion statement and it is fully reversible. It has no impact on him becoming a fully functioning adult. It will teach him an awful lot about being judged on sight. HTH and I are not even paying for it. However, I can guarantee you that HTH and I will be called upon to defend this decision at every turn.
I should say up front that I would much prefer that D2 did not want to do this. I am not impressed with the image that he will be presenting. I suspect that he is putting too much faith in this particular fashion statement and will be disappointed. And, quite frankly, in the pictures that he provided, I think it looks silly.
So, why are we allowing this? In part because we believe that it is better for him to do these things while he is this young. He isn’t looking for a job or even dealing with customers while working with HTH this summer, so it will have minimal impact on his employability right now. He does need to learn that, “fair” or not, many people will judge him base on the image that he projects – and this will definitely make that happen. We want discussions about social norms and behaviors to happen with us, not just his peers, so the sooner, the better. Most importantly, though, it is time to allow him a bit of rebellion. I say that with a heavy sigh, because he is my baby boy. But not discouraging moderate rebellion, that cannot do permanent harm, is the only way I can see getting him from being a kid to being an adult in the next 3 years.
We often have dinner time discussions about other parent/child relationships. D2 regularly analyzes and reviews other family dynamics. On the rare occasions that he compares our choices unfavorably with other parents, we remind him that our objective is very clear and precise (he can state it back on cue) whereas we do not know the objectives of the other parents. For the next few weeks, every time I have another discussion revolving around how I could allow this terrible thing, I will have to remind myself of that as well.
2 comments:
As of tonight, the "night of change" D2 was asked if it was worth the money that he worked so hard to save. After a moment of thought he said that he was not sure as of yet, he would have to wait to see to make that judgement. I am thinking that as parents this was the best decision because no amount of talking and rationalizing with a child is worth the unmistakable knowledge of getting what you wanted (even when it may have been just a good idea). I look forward to watching D2's growth during this non rebellious rebellion.
I doubt I'll like the results but I, like you, think it was the right thing to do. All I can say doesn't really have an English equivalent: "Shidda helkoum". It means something like, "Buck up", "Be encouraged".
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