Because That's Just What Havens Do

I honestly didn't think that I would blog this week because I am, as you can see from this picture, mid project. But after a few days of keeping pace with our young helper, I need to sit still for a bit. Also, there is a story to this project that I think I can tell you - though I'll not be able to do it justice - that is all about why I'm working so hard on this haven idea.

Way back in the fall, when I planted these bushes, I had the idea of creating a space under our big front yard tree. This space would be somewhat separate from the street and draw on the way this tree works - leafy and shady in the summer but bare to allow sun through in the winter. In my mind, I could see a little path way or two that ran through the space with possibly a bench or something to encourage lingering. It was a physical images of an outdoor haven that I found really appealing.

The fact that I could use the word "little" when thinking about a path that follows the edge of a tree canopy that is 20 feet in diameter shows that I was clearly delusional. I figured that out quite quickly (for me) and had just about decided to shelf this project for another year. I was going to do a limited version of the spring planting and let it go.

But that is where Cody comes in to the story. Cody, our young helper, who works for us 20-25 hours a week. I can't tell you his story, in part because I don't think I know it all, but also because it is a hard story to hear in person and impossible for me to even consider writing. To help you understand, I'll give you a few things that I think of as the bare bones of his tale - with no real depth or c0lor.

Cody was D2's first friend in the neighborhood. He moved to live with his biological mother 3 or 4 years ago. He was lucky to get out of that situation alive. He, with a little butt kicking from his impressive girlfriend, changed his whole life a little over a year ago. He and his girlfriend, along with her mother and his aunt, are now raising their 2 month old daughter. He goes to high school at night and works for us 4 or 5 hours a day. If you would like to meet an impressive, but far from perfect, human example of what today's teenagers can do, come to my house any week day morning. I'll let you talk to him.

The tricky part about Cody working for us is that there is only so much he can do. He is too young to take onto job sites - both in maturity but also for potential liability issues - so we need to have work for him to do here. He is a serious worker - fast and efficient - so even finding 20 hours for him to do can be tough, but, HTH and I are starting projects - like this pathway - that we would gladly have put off just to make sure that we do. Because the haven requires it of us.

Let me explain. Cody is 15 months out from having made a tough but very positive decision in his life. The old way was definitely the path of least resistance. This new way - while much better and more suited to his style - is tougher. T0 stay the course on this path, he needs some help and encouragement but he also needs to feel like he is a useful contributor to something good.

Interestingly enough, HTH and I are still building on the physical aspects of this haven/business/house as well as the investment house. We could use a serious worker to do some of the heavy lifting - or digging or demolishing or painting or.... And, despite the fact that this house normally resists most of the changes that we propose, the space seems to be ready for us to get it done.

So, if you're working on building a haven, and you have a young one who needs some encouragement in the form of part time work, and you've carefully marshaled your resources over the years so that you can afford to pay him, it all falls into place quite nicely. At this point in the haven process, it doesn't feel like it is because of anything that Cody, HTH or I have done or decided. It happened because that's just what havens do.

Yes, thinking about and working on this whole haven thing is - well - work. And, yes, there are other things that I need to do as well. But it is starting to look like the work thus far has just been to overcome the initial inertia. After that, who knows? Maybe havens become self sustaining creatures that encourage haven-osity all on their own! And, at some point while I was wheel barrowing dirt from the front yard to the back today, I couldn't help but think, "Wow! How cool is that?" Because causing random amazement is just another part of what havens do!

Handle With Care - Part II

As I mentioned in Part I, I enjoy the ambiguity of the word "care". We use it in some cases to imply caution and in some cases to imply emotional attachment. Relationships were my obvious first example of how both senses of that word apply. But my next favorite application is finances.

Now, I should be very clear about one thing: I'm not a financial adviser. There are folks that LOVE talking about that stuff and are quite good at it. Depending on personal style and situation, you can get books by anyone from Dave Ramsey to Suze Orman to Guy Kiwasaki. Although they each have unique approaches, perspectives, and advice, they all come from a very similar foundation. It goes something like this: Don't let your carelessness with money run your life. Or, be smarter with your money. Or, change your thinking and figure out how to deal with your money triggers. Oh, and by the way, since you've put yourself in a bad position by your previous carelessness, here are some things you can do to fix that now.

Being cautious with money is being talked about and blogged about and published about everywhere. In these trying times, it is something on an "it" thing - but I'm well past the point of discussing it here. If you want my perspective, you'd have to go back to my "Lighten Up" posts on money - which are over a year old now!

The care that I would like to talk about here is the kind that comes from concern for others - from the heart. HTH always likes to say that he votes with his money. If an establishment provides better service or a better product or he just plain likes the guys better, they get his money. As a small business owner, that just makes good sense. But we all have the ability to provide some positive reinforcement along those lines.

As the chief household provisioner, I've translated that to our everyday shopping as well. I go the the local farmer's markets because I like the fact that people around here grow food. I also have a long standing preference for the strains of produce that have actual flavor - and those strains are notoriously difficult to ship. So I get what I like for less money than the grocery store AND I support local farms in the process. That is what we call, in this house, a hat trick.

The principle works in other ways, too. I buy everything that I can from my locally owned "health" store. There are a few things that I pay incrementally more for there, but they also have things there that I would only be able to get online otherwise. I like them. I want them to stay in business. I vote with my money.

I buy more from the natural chain store as well. Depending on where you are, that may be a Spouts or Sunflower or Whole Foods or some crazy East Coast store that we don't have out here. I like their selection. I like that they make an effort. They get my money.

I don't even know that I could give you a list of businesses that we've chosen this way, but, just off the top of my head: The shop that works on our cars, the printer that does our invoices, the coffee places that I frequent, Bookman's (oh, the delirious joy of that place!), our local Chinese restaurant, Harper's Nursery ....

The point is this: the people the run these places are folks that I rely on, so I'm more than happy to support them. And in times like these, my money can actually make a difference. So while I am still cautious with my money, I mean so much more than that when I say that, around here, we think its important to handle our finances with care.

Handle With Care - Part 1

Despite the fact that I've been busy and on the road, I've still been thinking about the principles of Havenology. An underlying premise of haven building is care - both in terms of concern for someone and also caution. Since care is the ultimate foundation of havens, it springs up everywhere. But, interestingly enough, caring is one of those things that works well whether you want to build a haven or just get through the week.

So, for the first "Handle With Care" item, let's talk about something that is currently near and dear to my heart. Relationships. Not new relationships or superficial relationships or casual relationships. I'm talking about serious, long term relationships. Family, spouses, long term friends. The people who can be depended upon to love you regardless of how badly you behave... right?

And I guess that is my point. We often save our worst behavior for those closest to us. I had a meltdown this morning because I couldn't get my priorities straight and was feeling tugged in eleventeen directions. Who got the brunt of that hissy fit? My poor HTH. Why? Seriously - I'm asking. Is that loving? Is that expressing my concern for his well being or appreciation of his fabulous qualities? Nope. Is that inherently stupid and mildly damaging to my relationship and - consequently - t0 my own happiness? You betcha. Bad news all around.

The good news is that I've gotten much better about the stupid hissies. Because I've come to understand that just because someone WILL put up with my bad behavior doesn't mean that they should have to do it! Remembering that has helped me to learn to control the flashes of irritation that occur at any little thing when I'm tired or sick or jut overwhelmed. I've even managed to figure out that I can usually wait until that burst of irritation has passed before deciding if something needs to be said.

This is, I should point out for those who don't know, not at all natural for me, but I'm learning. Why? Because it is important to me that the people I love are handled with care. Because a haven is only a haven if the people I love are safe from the unwarranted hissy fits.

A Havenology Premise

Don't get me wrong - havens are not a new thing for me. I've always been interested in the kind of space that is both safe and open - the kind of place that is less like a fortress and more like a traditional trading bazaar. The original trade route bazaars - like the Khan al Khalili pictured in the link - pr0vided protection from the elements for camel caravans. They also provided a place to trade goods, services, and ideas - some of which came in with the caravans and some of which grew in the community surrounding the bazaar. In other words, by providing a safe place for trade, the community around the bazaar effectively spread not only their products but also their ideas to a world that they would never physically see.

This model, of course, works more effectively today in the form of the internet. The goods and service providers have all translated their roles quite literally from the caravan world to the computer. The idea folks are - just like in the caravan days - having a harder time figuring out how to get paid for their information. There are people making a fair amount of money by helping sift and sort content, by setting up merchandise trading or by providing tech support. But the havens themselves are quite small on the internet - a pocket here and a forum there - with vast stretches of "do not want" in between.

In other words, the internet bazaar requires that I know what I want in my haven so that I can gather the far flung resources into one place. The blogs I follow, the news sites I read, the tabs on my iGoogle and the online shops that I frequent create boundaries for the world in which I want to trade. The good news is that each of us have personalized, customized self selected bazaars at our finger tips. The bad news is that these solitary computer havens lose something very important in the translation.

I don't know about you, but I've never seen a working bazaar or seaport that didn't have some fairly serious security protocols of one kind another. The thing about opening a space to trade is that there will inevitably be some conflict of - shall we say - interests. To effectively do business in that environment, I have to be able to deal with others that are "not my people" - by philosophy, zip code, hair color or whatever else I may use to label my fellow man - in a way that is profitable for both of us. In self selecting worlds, I can choose to deal only with those that do meet my "us" criteria. This will reduce conflict immeasurably, but may also limit the flow of new ideas.

So, for my part, I'll be on a mission to modify my Ang haven access guidelines. I'm going to add some new news sites to my feeds. And find some blogs that annoy but intrigue me. And possibly even listen to some talk radio. After all, havens are places where all honest traders are welcome - not just traders that I like.

Havens are where you find them

I have been on the road this week - off in Louisiana for a short stay with the W's where AW and I converted her office to a nursery for the impending arrival. I have to admit that I was a bit concerned about traveling. Airports and airplanes remind me of all the time that I spent on the road for business over the last few years. And that, more than anything, had me itchy for haveniciousness.

It turns out that havens are available just by thinking a bit off the beaten path. In DFW, that is literally true - just hit the moving sidewalks instead of taking that cute little train and you'll get a quiet stroll with almost no company. Or you can hit the lounges behind the Starbucks that everyone seems to think belong to someone else so they're usually empty.

But the specifics aren't really the point of my post today. My point really is this: despite the fact that I have spent many a weary and wary time in airports, I was able to find a space in the middle of that disturbingly familiar chaos that was just mine. Considering how much of my recent airport time was spent trying to return my brain from negative to a simply neutral state, I figure that was a pretty remarkable trick. Or, to put it succinctly, if I can find a haven in an airport, it really is possible to find a haven anywhere.

The Haven Paradox

I imagine that it would be simpler to build the kind of haven that ships come to for trade. For that, you just need to find a natural harbor and build a town around it. Yes, you may have to build barrier walls to keep the waves out or occasionally dredge the straits into the harbor. But a seaport style haven creates itself around the function it serves. Services and supplies for ships and crew and methods for trading goods and information spring up in direct relationship to the kind of ships that typically show up.

The kind of haven that I'm thinking about is a bit trickier to build. There are some things that can be done to the physical spaces to encourage both the movement of people (and therefore ideas) in and out of a space while still providing retreats for the family. But, for the most part, when I think about how to start building a haven, I am struck by the central haven paradox.

To build a haven, you must first be havened within yourself. To put it another way, I needed to do a certain amount of mental spring cleaning before I could even think about this idea. And I'm not just talking regular spring cleaning, either. I mean, I had to dig the dirt out of corners that had been varnished over and discover what I put in those boxes that had been in the attic for years. But that, in and of itself, is the kind of thing that I could only do because I was already havened. In other words, without some mental equivalent of a natural harbor, I am not sure how anyone else could start this process.

So, all of this means that the first question of Havenology is really this: how do I find a natural harbor and what does that harbor allow me to do? Or maybe it is: what does a natural harbor really look like? Or perhaps some people really do manage to "grow where they're planted" and create havens everywhere they go? Hmmm... ponderables....